Hey
ButterBacon3000, let me first start w/ YOU ARE NOT BROKEN!!!! And as far as where to put blame for your problems........it's a vicious cycle that I have been stuck in several times in my life. Talking about it definitely helps. Now I'm going to break down the "Problem cycle" for you as it was taught to me:
Everyone has problems, we live w/ them all our lives. Our goal is to overcome our problems. The solution to a lot of our problems are easy......let me say that again.......The solution is easy........the implementation of said solution is the hard part. Imagine you are on the road and there is a large bolder in the way. That is the problem. What do you do? Go around to the left or right, climb over it if you can't go around, go under it if there was a path or probably the hardest way is to break through it. Those are the action of the solution. Solutions are easy, its the action of the solution that is the hard part.
Now as far as blame and fault goes, that is a different type of cycle, one in which is a bit harder to accept, understand and overcome. But it can. You can.
It starts w/ the initial reaction of "What is their problem? Why is he/she like this?"....It then turns to oneself, "Why am I like this? What is my problem?"....It turns once again to "What is the problem with us? Why can't we get along?"....But is doesn't stop there. It goes back to "They/Him/Her"....then to "you/me"....then back to "Us/we".....and keeps going and going, round and round. The longer it continues, the harder it is to break the cycle...but it can be broken. And as it was taught to me, I teach it to you. Here is where the understanding of the concept becomes a bit tricky. "People do..... what people do...... because that is what people do."
You said that you were talking to your mother, and that when you brought up "Depression" she changed the subject. Parents sometimes don't want to hear about their child's pain.....mostly because they don't know how to either deal with it or help. You can accept that and be understanding of how she feels.....a difficult prospect I know. But it removes the notion of indifference or lack of care on her part. Which in turn stops the cycle from starting. When I was younger, I used to catch my mother coming into my room very early in the mornings....while I was still in bed.....she would always reply that she needed something or other. One time she said she needed a pencil, which is why my desk draw was open.......but with my desk caddie sitting right on time of the desk, loaded w/ pens and pencils, there was no need to open the my draw. I confronted her and eventually got in to a fight that did not end well. I would bar her from my room (when I was home that is) and avoid each other for weeks. Inevitably, as a child does, I needed my mothers help with something and we started talking again. This time I was armed w/ the right mindset on how to approach what I felt was a violation of my privacy. She was my mother and as such she was "looking out for me". As we spoke, I found out that she
was just looking out for me......I have always been a rebel in the family.....she thought that I had fallen in w/ a bad group of kids at school. Drugs were a problem in my community and she was worried about me, but the way she approached me, offended me. My friends were junkies......just not the kind she thought of.....we were adrenaline junkies. We went rat hunting in the city at night in abandoned buildings and yards, and even in Central Park w/ BB guns, we repelled off the Queens-borough bridge into the middle of a softball game, we climbed that same bridge all the way to the top inside one of the support struts, rock climbing and eventually got into sky-diving. Through all of that and many years later, the strongest drug we ever did was a nice scotch. But that wasn't until I was much older and "wiser" (possibly). Perspective. What I saw was an invasion and violation of my room, my stuff, my privacy. The reality was that I was being cared for and protected. It took me a long time to accept my mother's point of view. Once I did, there wasn't a problem any more.....the cycle was broken. She also understood my point of view, and always asked to enter my room from then on. The solution was, we just needed to talk about our concerns.......but sometimes it's hard when you don't know how to broach the subject. Sometimes it takes an outside influence for perception to change.
Its a hard thing to do....seeing someone else's point of view. People do..... what people do.....because that is what people do. People say....what people say.....because that is what people say. People react......as people react.....because that is how people react. You can insert any word to complete the sentence, but the result is the same. Think on it.
. You should hop on the discord sometime and play some Halo with us! Sometimes you just gotta do silly things like smile, laugh, and drive a warthog at 10,000 mph down an endless ramp splattering zombies. We're always down to include more people in our informal game nights.
