Everybody Needs To Laugh Sometimes

[BlacRoseImmortal]

The point of this is, alot of us are very stressed out people dealing with school, work, personal life situations, etc. I think a good joke will brighten some of your days up abit. So if you care to share a joke or a funny picture with everyone feel free to post it here!

PLEASE, no vulgar or negative jokes. The point of this thread is to make people happy, lets keep it that way ^^

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***I just got this in an e-mail from my dad, I thought it was freakin hilarious...***



How to Give a Cat a Pill

1.Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1beer to take taste away.Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill.Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


How To Give A Dog A Pill


1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

 

[Fenix Chief]

Here's one:

There's a Fire in a New York Apartment, and everyone is evacuated except for a woman and her baby. The Firefighters try to convince her to drop her baby onto the Trampoline waiting Below, but she won't let him go. So they call the New York NFL Football team and arrange for Jeremy Shockey to come to come to the Apartment. When Jeremy Arrives, he says into a microphone, "Ma'am. I'm Jeremy Shockey, and In my NFL Career, I have Never missed a pass. So your baby will be safe. So the Woman Drops the Baby. The Suspense is Killing. And just as the Baby reaches Impact, Jeremy makes the Catch! The Crowd goes wild! Then Jeremy shouted "YEAH!" then threw down the Baby like a Touch Down.

 

[lizander]

Black Rose, that is fricken hillarious, I just lol'd so loud, so many times, my enitire family just stared at me. Now to just explain why.........
And Fenix Cheif, wow, that is a funny one.

 

[bevbor]

Speeder Bike Schematics
(click image to enlarge)

 

[HeavyGunner]

Here's a good one I heard at school the other day:

Two women die and go to heaven, when they get there god tells them to be happy and enjoy themselves, but to never, ever, step on a white duck. So needless to say when they walk through the pearly gates, there are ducks everywhere. After about the first day, the first woman accidently steps on a duck, all of a sudden the ugliest man she has ever seen appears and god tells her she must live with him for the rest of her time in heaven. Scared out of her wits, the other woman is very careful and does not step on a duck for a long time. Then one day, the most beautiful man she has ever seen appears and god tells her she gets to spend the rest of her time in heaven with him. One day they are sitting together the woman asks the man, " So, how did you find me?" He replies, "Well I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

 

[tlither]

Mans Best Friend:

Lock your dog and your significant other in the trunk of your car. After half an hour open it and see who is happy to you.

 

[hobo1138]

st. peter has been gaurding heaven since the beginning of time. he gets tired and decides to take a break so he asks Jesus to fill in for him for a while. Jesus agrees and Peter tells him what to do: ask them thier name, see if they are on this list, and if they are then let them in. after hours of gaurding the gate an old man comes to the gate. Jesus asks him his name and the man replys, "i dont know"
"do you remember anything?" jesus asks the white haired man
"well, yes, i was a carpenter, and my son was known around the world."
at the old mans response Jesus got a tear in his eye and said "father?"
the man, aslo crying, asked, "pinoccho?"

 

[Radioactiv]

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me crap."



An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."



A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"




The manager of a large office noticed a new guy one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" the manager asked.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."




Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat. Now he's President of the United States!"



A husband and wife were taking a vacation to Miami to unthaw from the cold weather in north dakota. Due to the increase in air travel the couple was forced to take separate flights on separate days.

The husband flew first and when the plane landed and he got checked in he decided to send his wife an email. He didn't notice the he made a spelling error on the email address so it got sent to a widow that had just come back from her husband's funeral.

The widow checked her email because she expected to hear from friends and family. Right after she read the first email she fainted and her son ran into the room and saw his mom then read the screen. The email said: to my dearest wife i have arrived and got checked in, everything is ready for your arrival tomorrow evening at 4:30 can't wait to see you and we ghave some great neighbors.

Your devoted husband.

P.S. It sure is hot down here!



A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a
hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels. The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't
return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'



At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you looking for?"

The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. "I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package."

"Hmm," says the interviewer. "Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years–say, a Porsche?"

The engineer gapes and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

"Yeah," replies the interviewer, "but you started it."

 

[TexasAggie2011]

heres one they told at my college for our midnight yell the night before the game against Miami.

so a t-sip (person from university of Texas),a Miami hurricane, and Ol' Rock (character used by Texas A&M) are driving in a car, crash, die and goto heaven. So They meet St. Peter at the gates and St. Peter tells them that they've all led good lives and will be given a house in heaven with its quality based on their lives. So they start walking and St. Peter shows the t-sip his house, a moldy old cardboard box. They keep walking and come across an oldl og cabin, St. Peter turns to the Miami hurricane and says' here is your home my son'.

So Ol' rock and St. Peter keep walking and they come up to a mansion. It's a 3 story home with walls made of gold bricks, diamonds for shingles, a garden made up of maroon and white flowers, the 5 former collie mascots of the university are frolicking in the backyard by a Pool the size of Kyle Field, and full back Javorski Lane is playing football with Moses.

So Ol' Rock turns to St. Peter and says "Wow! is this really for me?"

St. Peter replies "Of course not! we passed your place about 3 blacks ago. This is God's house!'

kinda corny and you probably wouldn't get most of it unless you went here, but i always thought it was a good laugh.

 

[UNSC Leatherneck]

Q. Why did the surrealist cross the road?



A. Fish.

 

[Bethanxx]

I was reading this in an English lesson,, I was smiling for the rest of the day It's kinda long though,, hope you don't mind!

101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

 

[rowan]

The only one i can remember off the top of my head:

What do you call a wood elf on pot?
A high elf.

 

[LoneWolf]

Whoever plays RTS games, this is funny. Whoever doesn't, you just will not understand
created by T0J0. (not me)

Pre-game Set-up

* Hitler[AoE] has created game lobby "Time4War! FFA to start!"
* JOSEF_S has joined the game
Hitler[AoE]: sup
* deGau11e has joined the game
JOSEF_S: yo
Hitler[AoE]: hey dg
deGau11e: greets
* Churchill has joined the game
Churhill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: hey
* Beni_TO has joined the game
* Roosevelt has joined the game
Hitler[AoE]: we wait 4 a few mor, k?
deGau11e: kk
Churchill: k
Beni_TO: hi
Roosevelt: k
Roosevelt: brb gettin a coke
* T0j0 has joined the game
T0j0: wow dis is a big one
Beni_TO: hehe
Hitler[AoE]: cant have war without lotsa peeps!
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0j0: y0
JOSEF_S: hi
Churchill: hi
* M_A_O has joined the game
* ~Jieshi~ has joined the game
Hitler[AoE]: awesom lots of peeps
Hitler[AoE]: I think we hav enuff, k?
T0j0: ya
JOSEF_S: definitely
Churchill: lol this many people is gonna be awesom
deGau11e: no rush 30 mins k??
T0j0: rofl 30 mins??
M_A_O: 30 mins??????????WTF
Beni_TO: nr30 = FAG
deGau11e: well no rush at least, rush is gay
T0j0: rush is gay. nr30 for teh win
Hitler[AoE]: uh, sure, no rush... how about 10?
Hitler[AoE]: nr 10 min, evryone?
JOSEF_S: lame
Churchill: ya so lame
Hitler[AoE]: ze peeps have spoken
deGau11e: nr or i leave
Beni_TO: dont be such a turd
Beni_TO: this many ppl u cant do nr
Beni_TO: map not big enuff 4 all
Churchill: tru
Roosevelt: ya
deGau11e: fine, go
Hitler[AoE]: pick start positions, choose race
Hitler[AoE]: click in fags
deGau11e: wut race has good def?
T0j0: french. mag bunkers > all
Churchill: ya
deGau11e: kk.
~Jieshi~: choose another race, M_A_O, I'm chinese
M_A_O: wutever, I can be whoever I want
~Jieshi~: com on dood don't be gay
~Jieshi~: don't choose same start pos as me! wtf! go somewhere else!
M_A_O: there's nowhere else, jerk
~Jieshi~: wtf south america fag
M_A_O: fuk u, south america is for homos
(T0j0 to Hitler[AoE]: just start it already)
(T0j0 to Hitler[AoE]: those two are retards)
(Hitler[AoE] to T0j0: ya)
(Hitler[AoE] to T0j0: hey, u wanna allie to start? secret alliance)
(T0j0 to Hitler[AoE]: k. first I deal with the retards )
Churchill: 13. Start the game already!
Churchill: 13. Start the game already!
Churchill: 13. Start the game already!
Churchill: 13. Start the game already!
Churchill: 13. Start the game already!
Churchill: 13. Start the game already!
Churchill: 13. Start the game already!
Churchill: 13. Start the game already!
Roosevelt: don't macro spam, dumbass
deGau11e: 13. Start the game already!
deGau11e: 3. Food, please
deGau11e: lol i didnt know about these
deGau11e: 2. Wood, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
Hitler[AoE]: fuk stop it
JOSEF_S: argh my ears
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: 1. Gold, please
deGau11e: lol
(JOSEF_S to Hitler[AoE]: allie with me to kill deGaulle first plz)
(Hitler[AoE] to JOSEF_S: hell yes)
* The game is about to begin!
Hitler[AoE]: gl hf
T0j0: glhf
* 5...
M_A_O: glhf
~Jieshi~: glhf
Churchil: 23. Good luck, Have Fun!
Churchil: 23. Good luck, Have Fun!
Roosevelt: glhf
Churchil: 23. Good luck, Have Fun!
* 4...
Josef_S: glhf
* 3...
* 2...
* 1...
deGau11e: lcas382rhy!!!
Churchill: asdasdfwefwe
deGau11e: dsfh
Churchill: 23ru823r
Churchill: LAST CHAT MSG!!!
deGau11e: dsf7324!
deGau11e: haha beat u
* Entering the game...




Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
Beni_TO: haha america sux
JOSEF_S: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
JOSEF_S: cool
deGau11e: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
Beni_TO: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGau11e: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eis3nhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGau11e: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGau11e has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
Beni_TO: with what? ur wheelchair?
Beni_TO: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0j0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0j0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
JOSEF_S: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
Beni_TO: haha
Beni_TO: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0j0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
JOSEF_S: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
JOSEF_S: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eis3nhower: LOL
Beni_TO: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*Beni_TO has been eliminated.*
Beni_TO: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eis3nhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eis3nhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun cocksocker
JOSEF_S: rofl
T0j0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eis3nhower: ROFLOLOLOL
JOSEF_S: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0j0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eis3nhower: yah me too
T0j0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eis3nhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
JOSEF_S: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eis3nhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eis3nhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0j0: hey
JOSEF_S: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
JOSEF_S: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
JOSEF_S: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0j0: wtf is nukes?
T0j0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0j0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eis3nhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re
T0j0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0j0 has left the game.*
*Eis3nhower has left the game.*
JOSEF_S: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
JOSEF_S: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
JOSEF_S: i hate u all fags
*JOSEF_S has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

Link to original website

 

[Klowd 13]

i have some good ones

98% of people sliding in a ditch say "OH S**T!!", the other 2% are North Dakotans and they say "Hold my beer and watch this s**t!!"

A man was living in a house on the border of North Dakota and Montana, the US Census couldn't decide if he was in North Dakota or Montana. One day two representatives from the US Census arrived at his home, "Sir, we have come to inform you that you are a resident of Montana." he said "Good! I would have never lasted through another North Dakota Winter!"

Cheers,
-John-

 

[Bloodl3tt3r]

ww2 ftw.

How do you drown a blonde? Glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool.

How do you keep a blonde busy?

Scroll down.























Scroll up.

 

[bevbor]

AT-AT

 

[Radioactiv]

ww2 ftw.

How do you drown a blonde? Glue a mirror to the bottom of the pool.

A better version is
How do you drown a blond? Glue a scratch n sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

 

[Kwameninja]

How to impress a Girl
1.Take her on a date
2.make her laugh
3.Cuddle with her
4.candle light dinner
the list goes on

how to impress a guy
1.Get Naked
2.and come to his house with a six pack of beer

only one i can remember lol

 

[CPU64]

I don't know any funny jokes but something happened to me today that surely did brighten my day!!

This morning I decided to ride my bike to church since my mom wasn't really in the mood to get out of bed for us to go in the car. And since I didn't want to take the car and leave her stranded, I just took the bike...

After the service, as I get on the bike and start to head home, this really pretty girl says:
"Hey can I ride your bike?"

In my mind I'm like, what did just happen here? Is it possible that a beautiful girl just initiated a conversation with me, out of thin air, completely void of any hostility, mean comments or the intention of using my generosity to get something fixed for free??
Did my bad luck streak finally end?

So I casually circle around towards her (and her friend) and both of them are smiling.
I thought to myself, this has never happened before, ever! What could be the meaning for these unexpected events??

So I stop and get out of the bike so she can ride it.. She kinda gives me a guilty look like she didn't expect me to turn around, or even hear her request, and in a low voice says
"I was just kidding"
I asked are you sure? and she said yes, smiling.

So far, this was the most awesome day of my life!

 

[BlacRoseImmortal]