Everybody Needs To Laugh Sometimes
- Thread starter BlacRoseImmortal
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BlacRoseImmortal
Well-Known Member
WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT!!!
One of my favorite writers is a man named Dave Barry. He has many fantastic books out and currently writes for the Miami Herald. He is one of the funniest people on Earth and I just got this article sent to me thanks to my dad. I nearly died laughing so I wanted to share it with the 405th. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS IS NOT FOR THE YOUNGER CROWD AND FOR PEOPLE WHO LACK A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**************
Colonoscopy By Dave Barry
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
One of my favorite writers is a man named Dave Barry. He has many fantastic books out and currently writes for the Miami Herald. He is one of the funniest people on Earth and I just got this article sent to me thanks to my dad. I nearly died laughing so I wanted to share it with the 405th. PLEASE KEEP IN MIND THAT THIS IS NOT FOR THE YOUNGER CROWD AND FOR PEOPLE WHO LACK A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
**************
Colonoscopy By Dave Barry
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'
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RadioactiveMicrobe
Well-Known Member
lmao, BRI, I could not stop laughing at that! I read 'Memories of Dating' one time, and I thought he was pretty finny, but this is so much funnier!
ERADICATORofDTH
Jr Member
HAHA!! That story is HILARIOUS BlacRoseImmortal!! Thank you!
Overlord Ian
Well-Known Member
Q: If you could bring anything to a desert island, what would it be?
A: A boat
A: A boat
BlacRoseImmortal
Well-Known Member
You guys really need to read "Dave Barry does Japan" (i think i have the title right). I laughed so hard that my book got confiscated during my flight from NJ to FL because "my uncontrollable laughter could be heard from the Earth below us"
Overlord Ian
Well-Known Member
Yea, I love that book, I litterally shot coffee out my nose when I read it, lol. I have acctually met Dave, He's a really nice (and funny) guy.BlacRoseImmortal said:
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MythStryke
Jr Member
Almost anything by Steven Wright will get me rolling. The undisputed king of one liners.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
You can get more here: Steven Wright Quotes
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards.
I got a full house and four people died.
You can get more here: Steven Wright Quotes
ninjaspartan
Active Member
thanks darkslitter
is any1 here familiar with "Whose Line is it Anyway"?
its a pretty funny show
anyways, there's one epised in particular that i thought was most funny, and it was the one with the "wrong name in bed" Irish drinking song
i can't access youtube atm, so if you can you should look it up
its a pretty funny show
anyways, there's one epised in particular that i thought was most funny, and it was the one with the "wrong name in bed" Irish drinking song
i can't access youtube atm, so if you can you should look it up
MsCommanderFluffy
New Member
"The Force"...you haven't lived it until you've used it on goats.
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vadersfist
New Member
i cant remember the names of the goats but all i know is that they were featured on an episode of Myhtbusters and wouldn't you know? They're real! these goats get so scared that their hind legs lock in place preventing them from running further which in turn causes them to tilt over. i love animals but i cant help but laugh at them. (Mythbusters insured that no goats were hurt in the filming of that episode).
BTW ROFL....
BTW ROFL....
BlacRoseImmortal
Well-Known Member
Miranda, that was the funniest effin thing ive read in a long time XD where did you get that from? OMG it's so great im gonna e-mail iot to everyone on my contacts list hahahaha.
holy $#!% that was the funniest thing iv ever read.
and when a read the part about the gunshop it reminded me of about 4 months ago. I was down in Clearwater and sawa palce called Heavy Metal Guns and Ammo and in the same plaza located right next to it was Joe's Hearing aid center.
Irony it just happens
and when a read the part about the gunshop it reminded me of about 4 months ago. I was down in Clearwater and sawa palce called Heavy Metal Guns and Ammo and in the same plaza located right next to it was Joe's Hearing aid center.
Irony it just happens
CommanderFluffy
Well-Known Member
To Black Rose Immortal,
Well, I'm on Jack's account for now, and well, I'm a member on an airsoft gun/military training area, and..
yea, their a bunch of comedians, anyways, appreantly the staff seargent managed to get the email and posted it no the site, in which I copied it from, with his permission of course. xD
Well, I'm on Jack's account for now, and well, I'm a member on an airsoft gun/military training area, and..
yea, their a bunch of comedians, anyways, appreantly the staff seargent managed to get the email and posted it no the site, in which I copied it from, with his permission of course. xD
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